Where Does That Leave Us?
by aprylynn
Summary: Takes place after episode 4x24. Jack has returned. What will this mean for Kensi and Deeks? Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing. Thanks to YourSmileLaughEverything for helping me!
1. Chapter 1

He wasn't expecting the knock at the door, but as soon as he heard it, he knew who it was.

It had been a long, exhausting day and all he wanted to do was drink a beer or six, climb into bed, fall asleep and forget it ever happened.

But he couldn't. He couldn't ignore the knock any more than he could ignore his feelings for the person on the other side.

He got up and opened the door.

"Hi. What are you doing here, Kensi?"

* * *

_"After all we've been through, after all we've survived, you're just going to push me away?!"_

_It was a miracle that he and Sam had been rescued. She was there when they found him. She walked into that dark room and saw him, sitting in that chair, hunched over with blood dripping from his mouth. Panic set in as she feared the worst, that he had broken his promise to never get himself killed. She was there in the hospital room, never leaving his side as he recovered. He would sleep and she would watch him breath, relief washing over her because he was still alive._

_But then something changed when he was released and went home. She started to panic again, but for a different reason. She remembered the fight they had, the poor communication skills, the kiss. This kiss was different than the first one. They weren't undercover. He wasn't trying to distract anyone. He did it as himself, because he wanted to show her something he really meant. But what did this really mean? How would it change things? How would it affect their jobs? What if it didn't work out? What if she lost him, but not to torture and death? Thinking about the kiss lead to more questions, more questions lead to more panic. So she did what Kensi Blye did best. She pretended it never happened. She knew she couldn't avoid it forever, because he wouldn't let her.  
_

_After a couple weeks, he had to bring it up. He couldn't go any longer without talking about it. She had all but dared him to kiss her, to tell her how he really felt, but now she was avoiding it. And now he was bringing it up and not letting her change the subject or brush it off, and she was not liking how this was going._

_"Deeks, I can't do this with you right now."_

_"If not now, then when? Kens, I almost died. You almost died saving Michelle. We don't know how much time we left in this life. We can't waste it by pretending that something isn't here."_

_"Deeks, please..."_

_He saw the fear in her eyes and heard it in her voice. As angry as he was, he knew he had to back down. He knew Kensi better than anyone, and that the guaranteed way to lose her forever would be to keep pushing. He sighed, defeated. They had come so far in the three years they had been partners. But this was a fight he knew he couldn't win._

* * *

"If you're busy or tired, I can go. I just thought that after today... I just didn't feel like being by myself right now."

It took a lot for her to admit that to him. Even after all she had put him through, shutting him down every time he tried to open up to her, he couldn't make her leave.

"No, it's okay. Come on in. You want something to drink? Something sugary to eat? Some terrible TV to watch?"

She gave him a small smile as she walked into his apartment. How did he do that? No matter how confused or tired or mixed up she felt, he could always bring a smile to her face. And this only added to the confusion she felt about him. Actually, if she were honest with herself, she wasn't confused at all. She knew exactly how she felt about him. And that scared her to death. But after today, she couldn't lie to herself or to him any longer. She couldn't keep living in denial any more.

She followed him into the kitchen. He grabbed two beers out of the refrigerator and handed one to her. He opened his own and leaned against the counter. They awkwardly attempted to make small talk as they drank. And then she couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I heard what you said."

* * *

_She hadn't seen him in almost nine years. She hardly ever thought about him anymore and when she did, it was just a passing moment, hoping that he was alright, that he had found the help he was looking for, the help that she couldn't provide. And all of the sudden, there he was. Jack's face displayed on the screen in the ops center. Hetty gave her a few moments to get over the initial shock before giving the details of the crime he had witnessed and why they had to question him in the boat shed. But Kensi was not able to process anything being said. She felt like she had forgotten how to breathe._

_Deeks was shocked as well, but his attention was quickly focused on his partner. Her ex-__fiancé_ who she hadn't seen or heard from in years was an important witness that they had to question. His concern was obvious. Sure, it had been a long time, but it was still a devastating event in her life. She felt like a failure, because she couldn't help him get better. She had to pick up the pieces of her life after he left that Christmas so many years ago.

* * *

"What do you mean?"

She had never been more scared in her life. All the dangerous situations she had been in were nothing compared to this. But she couldn't back down now. She was past the point of no return.

"I heard what you said to Jack in the boat shed. After we interviewed him and I walked out."

"Oh. I, uh, I thought you had left the building." He ran his fingers through his hair and she could tell that he was nervous, too.

"I know."

"So, what do we do now?"

* * *

_Kensi had left as soon as the interview was over. Being in the same room as him was harder than she ever imagined. Painful memories that she thought had been left behind came rushing back. She had to get out of there._

_"She hates me, doesn't she?" Jack asked as soon as the door shut behind her._

_Deeks thought about this for a few seconds. He wasn't sure what to make of this guy. Here was a man who was engaged to Kensi Blye. And then he walked away from her. Part of him would love to tear into him for causing her so much pain. But he knew he couldn't do that. It wouldn't make him feel any better and it certainly wouldn't help Kensi._

_"No, I don't think she hates you. It's just a lot to process in a day. I think she's more shocked than anything. I wouldn't worry about it."_

_"I know I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left her. But, I couldn't put her through that anymore. I was sick and I wasn't getting any better and I know I was hurting her. She deserved better than what I could give her."_

_Deeks looked at him and debated what to say next. He was tired of holding in how he felt. Kensi certainly wasn't listening to what he had to say, but here was his opportunity to tell someone._

_"Listen, Jack. I don't know you and I don't know what you've been through. __I could never begin to understand what you saw and what you went through over there, so I can't judge you for what you did… but I have to say, if it were me, if I was with Kensi, if I had asked her to marry me and she was crazy enough to say yes, if we were going to grow a life together and have a family… there's no way in hell I could ever walk away from her. That would be all I'd want in life and I would never let her go."_

* * *

She held his gaze for longer than she thought she could. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she tried to think of what to say.

"Kensi? Where does that leave us?"

She took a deep breath and tried to steady herself. She put her beer down on the table.

"Did you mean what you said?"

"Every word." No hesitation. No question. No doubt.

"How do you know that? How do you know for sure what you want? How can you say that, that's all you would want in life?" Her voice started to tremble, but she had to hold it together. She had to get through this. The stakes were too high.

He looked down, licked his lips, and took a deep breath. _Here's your chance, Deeks, you wanted her to listen. It's now or never._

"If I thought you would say yes, I would ask you to marry me right now."

She felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. He continued.

"Kensi, you are frustrating and infuriating and stubborn and messy and I love you so much that it's driving me crazy. It makes me crazy to feel this way about you, knowing that I can't tell you without being scared to death that you might push me away or build a wall between us or... tell me that you don't feel the same way."

Tears were threatening to spill out. She willed herself not to panic. She had to stand there and listen to him pour out his heart and look directly into his perfect blue eyes. He took a couple steps towards her and raised his hand to her face, brushing his fingers across her cheek. Miraculously, she didn't run. She stayed put. She closed her eyes as she savored the feeling of his touch.

"Kensi?"

She opened her eyes at the sound of him softly saying her name.

"I haven't been completely honest with you. There is a reason that I was avoiding this, why I didn't want to talk about the kiss. Something has been bothering for a while and I... haven't been able to get myself to say it out loud... because I'm afraid of what you might say."

Kensi just admitted to him that she was afraid. This was huge. He stood his ground, held her gaze, and continued to listen.

"When you were undercover as Max and you were getting close to Monica, I couldn't help but think about us and what if we were more than partners. What if we were in a relationship and you had to go undercover and get close to someone like Monica again... what would you do? I mean, it's a part of your job to establish your cover and I know at times that requires... certain things... What would you do if we were together and you had to... get close to someone else because of your job?"

There it was. The reason the case with Monica had bothered her so much. For weeks and weeks, she had been keeping this inside, stuffing it down, hoping to forget about it, hoping that she would never hear his answer... terrified at what it might be. And after the kiss, she had only felt worse.

He still had his hand on her face. He put his other hand on her hip pulling her even closer to him.

"If we were together, and I had to go undercover like that again... I promise you that I would sooner quit my job than betray you."

She couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He brushed them away and gave her a smile that calmed the fear in her pounding heart.

"Kensi, you are the only one for me and if I had you then nothing else would matter, including my job. You wanted me to say something I actually mean. I actually mean it when I say that I love you."

"Deeks..."

She didn't get to finish. He brought his lips to hers in a gentle, tender kiss. It was different than the others because it was just them. No covers, no fighting, no mission to get in the way. She brought her hands up to his chest and gripped the material of his t-shirt as they deepened the kiss. His lips were soft and warm and just what she needed. She had held this in for so long for fear that she might lose him. But now as she was savoring the way he felt against her, how could she have ever thought that this wasn't worth the risk? How could she have ever doubted him? He finally pulled away slightly and rested his forehead on hers.

"Wow."

"Wow? I've never had a guy say WOW after kissing me."

"Well, clearly the guys you've been kissing have been idiots, because you, Kensi Marie Blye, are amazing." He couldn't wipe the grin off his face even if he tried. She looked into his eyes and at his smile.

"By the way, I love you, too." Saying this to him felt better than she ever imagined. What she once feared, now made her feel more complete than she had in a long time. He leaned in to kiss her again, but she raised her hand and placed her fingers on his lips, stopping him.

"But please, do me a favor. Don't ask me to marry you anytime soon. We'll take this one step at a time." She wrapped her arms around his neck.

"If you insist, Fern, but we both know that you desperately want me to propose! You can't take another day going by without being Mrs. Kensi Deeks! We'll have bunch of ninja assassins with brown hair and blue eyes and we'll teach them how to surf and hot-wire airplanes..."

It was her turn to shut him up.


	2. Chapter 2

Kensi became aware of something slowly moving up and down her spine. She was sleeping on her side and was very comfortable. As she became more aware of her surroundings, she realized that she wasn't in her own bed... and she wasn't alone. A smile slowly crept across her face as she remembered where she was and who she was with.

"I was asleep. Can't a girl get some rest without being bothered?"

"I can't help it. Put the most beautiful woman on earth in my bed and I can't seem to leave her alone. Besides, I think you're enjoying it, too." His hand continued to softly trace patterns on her back as he dropped a kiss on her shoulder.

She rolled over to face him and he brushed her hair out of her face. He wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her closer.

"Good morning, Fern," he whispered against her neck as he started trailing small kisses up to her ear. Kensi could definitely get used to waking up like this every morning. Last night was the first time they had both been completely honest with each other about their feelings. They were done dancing around things and accusing each other of poor communication. No more boxes, no more "I'm good if you're good," no more answering questions with questions.

"Deeks?"

"Yeah?" He was still kissing her neck and the spot behind her ear and as much as she was loving it, she needed something else.

"Coffee?"

He laughed as he sat up. "Anything for my sweet."

"Deeks, you better not start calling me that! Now, go make me some coffee!" As much as she tried to sound serious, she couldn't fight the smile he brought to her face.

"Is this how things are going to be from now on? You bossing me around and ordering me to bring you things? O wait, then it won't be any different than before!"

"You're a real funny guy, you know that? Less talking, more making coffee. Before I get to be unpleasant."

"We wouldn't want that to happen. Be right back, my..."

"Don't say it!"

* * *

"I can't believe this." He had just made her breakfast (another thing that she'll enjoy getting used to) and they were about to clean up the kitchen when she checked her phone.

"What's the matter?"

"I just got a voicemail from Jack. He... he wants to meet with me sometime today. He wants to try to explain some things to me."

"Oh... so, uh, you gonna go?"

"I don't know. I mean, it was really difficult seeing him yesterday. I don't know if I want to put myself through that again."

Deeks thought about this for a while. He certainly didn't want her to get hurt again, and he wasn't sure how he felt about his brand new girlfriend meeting up with her ex-fiancé, but he tried to think about what would be best for Kensi.

"I think you should do it."

"Really!? Why?"

"It might be good for you to have some closure. You spent so many years wondering what went wrong and where he went and what happened to him. Here's your chance to get some answers. You may even have some things that you want to say to him, you know, that you never got to say before."

She smiled and looked down at her phone. "How do you do that? Go from ridiculous and frustrating to smart and considerate and insightful so easily."

"It's just one of the many amazing things about me that make me irresistible and charming and lovable..."

"And the moment is gone."

Deeks laughed and reached out and grabbed her hand. "Give him a call. I think you'll be glad you did."

"Thanks," she said softly as she let him pull her in for a hug.

"Anytime, darling, anytime."

* * *

"Thanks for coming, Kensi."

"You're welcome."

They sat in the cafe in awkward silence for a few moments, and then Jack cleared his throat.

"Um, I guess I just wanted the chance to try to explain myself and say that I'm sorry for how things ended between us."

"Jack, that's not necessary..."

"Yes, it is. I was sick and you did nothing but try to make things better for me. Everything you did, you had me in mind, and I just walked away without a word, without an explanation... and you deserved better than that. You deserved better than me. Things were so dark for me and I was hurting you. I'm sorry for leaving the way that I did, Kensi, I thought it was the right thing to do... for you."

Nine years ago, Kensi did a lot of listening. She did whatever she thought would help him. She lost track of the hours she spent with him, saying nothing, letting him pour out his heart and his mind and his struggles as she listened. This time it was his turn to listen.

"You know what, Jack? I appreciate that you thought you were doing the right thing. I really do. And I can honestly say that I have no hard feelings towards you. I'm happy for you, that you got help and that you seem better now. But I have to say, that you took something away from me when you left. You took away my choice. You say that I deserved better? What about what I thought I deserved? What about what I wanted? Jack, I would have done anything for you. I would have gone through anything with you, for as long as it took for you to get well. You thought that I deserved better than you, but you were all I wanted."

"Kensi, I'm sorry. I wasn't in my right mind and I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you... even though I thought I was doing the right thing."

She looked into his eyes and took a deep breath. She wasn't lying when she said there were no hard feelings. She really was glad that he was alright now.

"It's okay. Everything turned out okay."

"I know I'm going out a major limb here, but... do you think that there would ever be a possibility that we could have a second chance?"

She was stunned. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth, but no words came out. Then her mind went to everything that happened yesterday: overhearing Deeks' confession in the boat shed, going to his apartment, hearing him acknowledge his love for her, admitting one of her greatest fears to him... and the kiss.

She shook her head, smiled and simply said, "No."

He exhaled as if he had been holding his breath for a long time.

"I figured, especially after meeting your partner yesterday."

"Deeks? Uh, what do you mean?" _Was it suddenly getting hot in here?_ She could feel her cheeks flush as she said his name.

"Kensi, I know it's been a long time, but I did know you pretty well once. There's definitely something there between you two."

She carefully considered how to answer him. Things with Deeks were so new. They hadn't even talked about how and when they would tell others about their relationship. But she decided that she needed to tell Jack the truth.

"I love him. I have for a while, but only recently admitted it to myself and to him."

He smiled at her, but his eyes looked sad.

"Well, I hope he knows how lucky he is."

"He does. And so do I."

They spent some time catching up. She told him about joining NCIS, meeting the whole team, how she first meet Deeks in that MMA gym, how they struggled as partners in the beginning, then became friends, and then something more. She told him about finding her dad's killer and reconciling with her mom. He told her how things got worse for him after he left her. He ended up in trouble, getting arrested and sent to jail, which he said was the best thing that could have happened to him. After he was released he was required to go to counseling, and there was something about this new therapist that made all the difference in the world. It was a difficult road for him and he said he still had a ways to go, but was glad to at least be going in the right direction.

"Well, I guess I should let you go. Thanks again for coming. It really meant a lot to talk to you again."

"Thank you for calling. You know, this was really good for me. I'm glad to see you're doing well and that you're okay. I, uh, spent a lot of time worried that something bad had happened to you. I wondered if you were even still alive at times."

He smiled at her. "Good bye, Kensi. Good luck with Deeks and I hope he treats you right." He stuck out his hand.

She shook her head, moved his hand out of the way and gave him a hug. "Good bye, Jack. Don't let nine years go by before calling me again."

* * *

"How did it go?"

"Fine."

Deeks smiled, knowing that she only said fine when she wasn't fine. She smiled back and shook her head, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

"No, seriously, Deeks, I think it went really well. I'm glad that he's recovering and is getting to be his old self again. And I'm glad I could tell him what was on my mind. And surprisingly, it was nice to catch up with him. A lot has changed since I last saw him."

"A lot has changed since last night." She saw a mischievous spark in his eyes, as he took her hand and lead her to his couch. He sat down, taking her with him. He put his arm around her as she turned into him, resting her head in the crook of his neck and her hand on his chest. She lost track of how much time went by. She loved everything about it: the way he felt so close to her, his familiar scent, the sound of his heartbeat comforting her. She couldn't remember the last time she felt this content, this happy. And it was because of him.

"He asked me if there was ever a chance that we could get back together."

"Really? Wow, uh, that's... interesting. What, uh, what did you say?" He was so adorable when he was flustered. She shifted her position so she could look right at him.

"I may have told him that he's not my type anymore."

He flashed her that smile that she loved so much. "Really? Is that so?" He raised his hand and ran his fingers through her hair as he pulled her close. He gave her a soft, lingering kiss that made her heart race. "So, Ms. Blye, tell me. What is your type?" he whispered against her lips.

"Well, let me think..." He was making it difficult for her to form a complete thought. He continued kissing her along her jaw and then her neck. The scruff on his face was tickling her and sending shivers down her spine. "Shaggy blonde hair, gorgeous blue eyes, scruffy face, loves surfing, looks incredible in either a v-neck t-shirt or a suit, inappropriate sense of humor, really slow at making coffee in the morning, doesn't know when to shut up..."

"Wow, this guy sounds awesome! You would be one lucky lady if you could find him."

"I already am."

He drew back. There was something in his face that she wasn't used to seeing. There was intensity in his blue eyes and no hint of joking or teasing. She felt heat rising inside of her as she held his gaze. The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. "I think I'm pretty lucky, too."

"You know, as Jack was apologizing to me, I couldn't help but think about how different things would be if he hadn't left. I mean, I probably wouldn't have joined NCIS. I probably wouldn't have found out the truth about my dad and then reconnected with my mom. I definitely would have never met you. And even though it was devastating... I couldn't help but think that it was worth it... because now I have you."

"Maybe I should send him a thank you note or a fruit basket."

"Don't be an idiot. I'm trying to have a serious moment here with you!"

"If you're trying to be so serious, then why are you laughing?"

"For your information, I am not laughing, Martin A. Deeks!" She knew how ridiculous she sounded, claiming to not be laughing while she was laughing. But she didn't care, not one bit.

"Uh oh, I'm in trouble now. We've only been together about 24 hours and you're already breaking out my full name."

She grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulled him close and lowered her voice, "Get used to it, because I have a feeling that you're going to be in trouble a lot." She closed the distance between them and poured all of her love for him into a breath-taking kiss. When they broke apart, he was smiling.

"Promise? That sounds like trouble I wouldn't mind being in."

She answered him with a smile and another kiss.


End file.
